Questions To Ask A Potential Candidate At A Play Party
For some, the anxiety around going to a play party can come from the questions circling around in your brain. How do people go into having sex? Is it one big orgy? Am I going to perform the same while people watch me? Will I be wet enough? Will my dick stay hard? What do I even say? There are TONS of questions that circle through brains before the arrival of a big sex party. Even the most confident people are curious about something so let's get into it.
First off…What is a “play party”?
A play party is a private social event with like minded people where the guests engage in BDSM and sexually arousing activities. These types of parties are typically hosted by sex positive people in an air bnb, someone’s personal home, or a private event space that is suitable for these types of events. Similar to non play parties, there is food, beverages, music and people come dressed in regular clothing. A changing area is typically provided for you to get a little more sexy or dressed completely down. Most parties have a clothing optional dress code which means you could walk by and see someone completely naked or dressed in lingerie/bedroom attire. Dress in whatever way makes YOU comfortable which is why behind the word clothing comes the word “optional”. Unless there is a strict dress code that was established prior to you coming, please do not ever feel forced to undress and even if it is a strict dress code, always remember you can leave anywhere you do not feel comfortable. Once you go beyond the entry doors, it’s not immediately taboo and people fucking every where like most people may think unless you got to the party super late and everyone got warmed up without you. Some hosts will not allow entry after a certain time to avoid this exact situation. So when you have made your arrival how exactly do you go about finding a good candidate?
Have A Checklist
Okay don’t walk in anyone’s establishment with an actual piece of paper honey that is tacky. Have a mental checklist.
What do you want this person to ideally look like?
If you’re single, are you willing to join a couple? Or do you just want you and one other person?
If you’re a couple or throuple, are you okay with your partner having sex with other people?
Are you fluid in your sexuality?
What body type are you looking for?
What are you looking to get out of this event?
Are you here to just watch?
Are you here to participate?
Think about the things that turn you on. Don’t just have sex with anyone just because it’s a play party. You can be a voyeur and just watch the environment if you don’t find a potential candidate. And if you don’t do it in a creepy manner you can even play with yourself while watching. The goal is to enjoy yourself and if you don’t find someone you’re attracted enough to then don’t have sex with someone just to say you participated in a sex party. Arrive at the party early so that you can scope everyone that comes in and mingle. Sip on a drink, participate in the games or activities the host has provided, and socialize. If someone catches your eye, make your way over to have some dialogue. Here are some questions to help drive the conversation when you have found a potential new sex partner at a play party.
What The F**k Do I Say?
Start With A Greeting
I know, this isn’t a question but you don’t want to just walk up to someone and start asking questions. One, it comes off as weird. Two, it’s not good etiquette. You know that feeling you get when you receive those DM’s where someone just starts a conversation or sends an unwanted picture? That’s the equivalent to not starting off with a proper greeting. Play party or not you still use common decency and manners.
Have you ever been to one of (host’s name) parties before?
Once they tell you yes or no, they may continue to talk about their previous experience or other parties on the scene. You can learn a lot by just listening which will also prompt other questions.
2. What is your favorite kink?
Gradually you have gone from a formal introduction to getting into the kinky conversation without overstepping boundaries or seeming too aggressive. If they don’t know of any and they’re new to some you can name off some of your kinks, or different ones from them to choose from. Depending on how the vibe is, you can ask for their permission to explore and try different things to their body. If they allow you, make sure you show them a good time and show their temple some respect. Let them know everything you are doing, ask for permission along the way, and don’t treat their body like a throw away.
3. Invite them to play one of the games at the party
At my parties, I have interactive games for us to play together but I also leave games scattered throughout the room for guests to play on their own. Most kinky games prompt some sort of sexual act and if they’ve come this far with you, they may have some interest. It doesn’t mean you have the greenlight, nothing is official until it is verbalized. Once you all get some sexually arousing prompt cards, you’ve already gone half way there and for everyone’s sake the consent card should come shortly after.
4. What are your sexual fantasies?
I’m sure you figure out by now that the bulk of understanding is to listen to what the other person's interests are. When someone tells you what they want, listen. They’re giving you a blueprint on how to please them and you just need to execute after you are granted permission. Whether you do it well or not is all upon you if given the opportunity but adhere to their desires and fantasies.
5. What are some things that you don’t like when having sex?
If you have found a potential candidate you want to know what they don’t like so you don’t cross their boundaries. You won’t get every single detail in one night but you can build yourself a tiny roadmap to at least make sure you’re headed in the right direction. Personally, I do NOT like anal sex under any circumstance! It’s painful and feels violating, so I would let someone who is seeking interest in me, that is not the type of play that we will get into.
Truthfully, there is no exact set of questions! Just go with the flow. The questions above however could be a good start. You might even want to ask yourself some of these questions just to further explore what you like and know how to answer if you were asked.
Tips For Safe And Engaging Play
Always Make Sure You Have Protection
If you and your partner come to the party together and have unprotected sex, that is your prerogative and there’s no judgment there, but when you bring a new body chemistry into the picture it is ALWAYS smart to make sure you use condoms. Typically in a play setting there are condoms and lube provided but in the event there are none provided, always bring your own. There is a high chance that you will either join a couple, have a third join you if you are a couple, or have a multiple party encounter (orgy). For those couples and throuples who invite someone in, sure, continue your ritual of unprotected sex if that is what you commonly do, but once those body parts insert or bump against others there needs to be a barrier of protection always. Having fun and being safe can go hand in hand.
2. Never act like this is a need
We all know why we come to parties as such but it doesn’t always mean that you’re gonna get some action. If you are the person who walks around the party trying to hop down on everything walking, inserting yourself in spaces where you may not be wanted, touching and groping on people without permission and other behaviors as such, makes you come off as desperate and can make people very uncomfortable. When you find someone or a couple that you naturally attract with, you have already planted a seed in good soil. Now just be yourself and let the plant manifest itself. If things progress into a sexual nature then it will happen organically and it won’t be forced. People tend to want to give you things when it doesn’t appear that you “need it” or are desperate. Think about it, the aura of someone who wants you but they’re not in desperate need of you draws in the masses. If you want someone to need you then it may benefit you to find someone who fits that role and bring them into the space, but don’t come into an environment as such looking desperate.
3. Perform While Sober
Okay if you have a couple of drinks or two then that’s fine if you can handle that, but performing under the influence of liquor or drug paraphernalia can alter some people’s personality or presence. Be as sober as possible so you don’t A. look sloppy and B. potentially get your lines crossed, or blurred in the words of Robin Thicke. You want to make sure you understand when you are giving or receiving consent, enjoying the moment and not becoming belligerent. As people who consider themselves non vanilla, you want to have control over the BDSM and kinky dynamic. It also makes you look sexier and in control. If you’re high as a kite, or drunk as a sailor slurring your words, talking incoherently and appearing out of control you don’t come off as someone I want to have sex with. If you have a lack of control with yourself what makes me think you’ll have control with me and my body?
4. Don’t Go With Expectations
Sure, it may be a play party but that doesn’t mean you’re guaranteed to have sex. Just go with the intentions of having fun and potentially exploring or seeing something new. Putting expectations on access to other peoples bodies is insanely wild. Even if you converse with someone at the party, get them a drink, or seem to be catching a vibe, it still does not mean that this is a green light. And if you and the person or people you have your eyes on seem to have naturally flowing conversation or catch an eye it may not be this party that you all have sex but it could be an opportunity at a future event. Sometimes people want to feel you out. If this is your first event you may come off super eager and ready to jump in something compared to the more seasoned which makes you an obvious newbie. It’s okay to get your feet wet. Hell, it’s even okay to get your dick or pussy wet but go to enjoy the atmosphere because it truly is an experience.
5. Participate!
If there are demonstrations, games, or other interactive activities before the play gets started, engage in them! Don’t be the weird person standing off in the corner just watching everyone with a blank look. You will appear standoffish and it’s way more fun to be a part of the festivities. Make new memories and don’t be so damn vanilla. Unless it’s your first time, then you get a pass.
How Do I Find These Types Of Parties?
Explore and navigate play parties in your area. One way to find play parties nearby is an online site called Fetlife. My boyfriend likes to call Fetlife “A kinky Facebook” and if you think about it, it is! Except Mark isn’t there to land you in Facebook jail or eventually take your pics/videos/or posts down. You can post status updates, upload explicit pics and videos, post writings (that is especially nice for erotic poets and story writers!), Post a kinky event of your own, organize kinky groups for people to find and join (i.e. Threesomes in St. Louis; yes that is a real group where you can search and set up a threesome with real people near you), there’s truly a mindblowing amount of things to explore and navigate on this site. Here’s some homework for you. After you sign up and complete your profile, go and search for an event. Click on the menu button in the top left corner and it should prompt you to put in your city and state. Once you plug in that information, prepare for pages upon pages of events you may not have even known were taking place in your city! The kinky ones of course. Unless you are a seasoned veteran in this lifestyle, then you probably have your own way of hearing about the local scene events without using Fetlife. Unfortunately there’s no app for it but it’s worth clicking on your internet browser and signing in. Another website called, Kasidie, has parties, events, trips for people to go on in and outside of the United States, and a lot more! The two sites are very similar and you can find tons of freaky fun all across the globe. These two sites are gold and they’re completely FREE! For those of you in the Saint Louis area and if you’re a person of color, check out me and my kinky partners events! Look up Black Pineapple on Facebook and Fetlife and follow us for upcoming events and meetups in the area! If you use any of these questions or tips above, I would LOVE to hear about your experience in the comments.
